Strife & Harmony- older post

Strife and "Harmony"
March 20th, 2001 –Tuesday Mom is scheduled for Bypass Surgery today. Could not sleep a wink last night, I found myself saying many prayers. I left for the hospital at 7 a.m. I had to see

Mom before she had her surgery, I needed to kiss her cheek, hold her hand & let her know “ I love her” I knew she would be anxious. After all she had been experiencing anxiety attacks prior to the Catherization on Monday, I had expected to see her worse anxious & nervous about the Bypass Surgery. Oddly enough when Trisha & I arrived she seemed calmer than I had suspected. Dad was already sitting in her room, talking with her. I arranged a big bright smile and an optimistic tone, though I really just wanted to take her home & treat her myself, with exercise & a healthy diet. After all, I’ve read enough books on Heart Disease in the last few weeks. Mom said they had prepared her (prepped her) at 4 a.m. they thought at first she would be first to go, actually it wasn’t till 11:45 that she actually under went the surgery.

Surgery;The first day of spring, it was a lovely sun filled day, the entire family sat out in front of the hospital, trying to keep our spirits up. Actually, there was no room for us all to sit in the Cardiac Waiting Room, we were a mob- a tired looking mob. We were told 69 surgeries were being performed this day, scary thought. Couldn't help but think " Somebodies getting rich" .

We the McAllister’s are a clan, no doubt, we travel in packs. Though we all chit-chatted, made small talk-occasionally cracking jokes, we all knew our purpose that day the reason was opaque- precisely evident. We were standing vigil outside this hospital quietly bargaining with God. Though we'd smile and talk each one of us' bargained & begged that God show mercy & let our Mother live.

I had noticed the Crocus peeking its head out of the soil, I remembered thinking “ wait till Mommy sees this glorious sign of spring. My heart began to flutter, for a moment I thought I was experiencing a heart attack, I realized it was fear, gripping at me, I felt helpless too. I was trusting strangers to care for my Mother, would they look after her as we would? Did they know just how important she was to us all? did Mom know? did she really know just how important she was to us' had we told her' did she know?

I said a few more prayers asking God to “take care of her” I asked my Grandparents to keep her strong, help her fight for life, I asked Nanna to look after her daughter while she was in surgery. I found myself appealing to all those who have already passed' asking as though they had an in' with God himself. I prayed & hoped that my words would be heard & that our prayers would be answered.

We were told the surgery itself could last any where from 3 to 5 hours. The first hour seemed the longest, I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye to my Mother, this had to work, this surgery must be successful.

We paced to the Cafeteria then back outside, eventually we sat in the main waiting room, most of us were quiet, looking down into newspapers & magazines, desperate for a distraction. For those who were not or could not be with us while we waited, I had promised to keep them updated. Every now & then I’d take my cell-phone outside the hospital to relay information, basically all I had was “ we were told everything was going along smoothly”.

It was 3 p.m. Dad said he was heading down to the 4th floor to see if they had any more info. The rest of us waited for the others due at the hospital, we then traveled downstairs to wait with Dad. When we arrived downstairs Dad met us at the Elevator, “ She’s Out” she’s done” he said. He had just spoken briefly with the surgeon & a nurse, everything went smoothly” she was in ICU recovering. She had a double-bypass. We all were relieved, a smiling clan.

It was 3:30 when we first were able to see her; I wasn’t prepared for what I saw & I'm the strong one (I held back my shock) I thought Trisha was going to Pass out, Dad looked shaken too, though I noted he seemed to force a smile & sound optimistic forsake of Mom & all of us. Dad tried to hide his fear & disbelief...His voice softened to that of a little boy' as though he was suddenly transfomed into a little boy. His tone was soothing, gentle almost playful- I had only heard this voice twice before. Once on Easter day' Nann (little Nanna) and Aunt Ruthie had come to stay for the holiday. Trisha, Ducky, Billy & I were already out front awaiting everyone else. We were heading to the Bonwit Inn for Easter Dinner.

I remember waving to Nanna & Aunt Ruthie as they slowly walked one another down the front stoop. Nanna always looked lovely' this day she had on a soft butter yellow classic suit with Easter Corsage of course. Her strawberry blonded hair slicked back gently behind her ears. Nanna always has a tissue in hand- always- still to this day. Aunt Ruthie was in pale pink- I miss Aunt Ruthie.

Nanna had said something as they made their way down the walkway to the driveway' something silly' sarcastic- I remember laughing- then she disappeared.

Nanna & Aunt Ruthie both disappeared from sight. Dad ran toward them. I heard a roar' a whine' a cry' a childs cry- a loud, thunderous cry. I ran to them' I saw Dad rocking his Mom in his arms like a baby' she looked limp' broken' so fragile'. What I saw was a boy- rocking his Mother. I saw a boy so afraid of loss. I saw a boy who loves his Mother. I'm still reminded of that haunting cry' it was many, many years ago- perhaps 20 or so years. A child was crying that moment' that day. I thought' we all thought Nanna was dead. Fortunately' she was alive, broke several bones & was terribly bruised but thank the sweet lord' she was alive & kickin'.

The other instance of my Dad crying like a boy was many years ago' I was a teen a troubled teen. The police had brought me home' after running away. Upon arrival home' my mother had accused me of doing drugs " reds" I insisted they were 1 a day vitamins - which they were!Nevertheless she never believed me & had the police run tests on them. They were One a day vitamins. I remember my Mother wanted to have me " put away" Juvenile Home.

I was despondant' tired' depleted....I remember not caring if I lived or died- it seemed irrelevent to me' I just wanted peace..Wanted my family to have peace. I was desperate for a healing within the family.

After an evening of emotional upset' an upheaval of tears, turmoil & commotion' I heard my Dad crying like a young boy' pleading with his Dead Father for guidance & strength. He was angry & resentful for the rage & anger he inherited from his father. The void. The abuse.The fury. The wrath. The silent riot.

He cursed him & loved him and blamed him for his pain. He asked why? he pleaded for answers. He cried for him' cried for himself & cried for me! He knew I was lost, he saw the emptiness in my eyes. The emptiness filled with tears ' I cried for that hurt & lonely lost little boy.

The machines the sounds the lights of Cardiac ICU were frightening enough, it seemed every room was filled with a heart patient recovering from surgery. Felt so foriegn' frightening to witness the balance- the fine line of life & death.

Mom was lying in a bed hooked up to lines & tubes everywhere, machines were beeping & buzzing. A machine was breathing for her; I saw blood on her neck & leg, blood in her urine tube. Huge bandages on her leg & chest, bruises all over her arms. I wanted to run, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, “ What have you done to my Mother”? Instead I spoke softly “ Hi Mommy” we’re here, we’re all here” It’s over, you’ve done wonderfully! She was twitching almost convulsing when she heard our voices, I wondered if our presence was dangerous for her. Dad stroked her head; I saw he was inspecting every inch of her being. The convulsing scared me; I alerted Robert the Nurse, I asked is this normal? He shook his head as though to say Yes. Mom looked panicked, it took me a few minutes with help from Robert to realize that it was the breathing tube that had her concerned, she wanted to talk & she couldn’t. He assured us & Mom that it would come out soon. I wasn’t sure how alert she was to understand; after all she just got out of surgery. Robert told me that she was twitching & convulsing because during surgery they paralyze the body, while recovering from surgery they slowly get back all their movement. Mom still looked panicked, we tried to calm & console, it didn’t work, nothing we said or did seemed to help, infact each time she heard one of our voices she seemed to panic more. We all thought it was best to leave so Robert could do his job watching her.

Trisha & Nicole were crying, I meant to hug them both, I’m still unsure if I did. Once again us McAllister’s stood vigil outside the Cardiac ICU. It’s a blur to me what we did with our time, it’s a blur whether we even exchanged thoughts or words. Mom was fragile' we did not want to upset her. I believe it was an hour later that Dad & I went back in. Her breathing tube had been removed, she looked slightly coherent and a bit more at ease, though she drifted in & out of consciousness. She tried to speak, she told us that she loved us, which frightened me, and she said it as though she would not have the opportunity again.

Mom was in pain, a great deal of pain; they were pumping her with morphine. Robert did the best to answer questions & provide us with information on what to expect. Though I found it difficult to look at Mom after the operation, I told myself it would be far worst to look at her in a coffin, she was alive, this is her second chance. Thank you Lord!

I told Mom I loved her & that she looked great, told her she was going to be fine. I asked her to be patient & to relax; I let her know that everyone was outside the ICU standing vigil with love for her. She gripped my hand, I did not want to let go, and I really wanted to stay, sleep there inside that tiny room with her until she was strong enough to go home. Dad & I had to leave, it was apparent that our voices were causing her to get anxious and excited, we assured her we would be right outside her door, we both told her we loved her, kissed her & asked Robert to take Good Care of her.

I tried to smile forsake of my siblings & children. I assured Trisha that she looked better, better than she had the hour before.