under certain circumstances

Another starry sky, both Ursa Major and Ursa Minor are visible tonight.

While chatting with a friend this evening, I mentioned the beautiful star filled sky. She paused and asked, “ Why are you always looking at the sky? “ I hesitated while considering her question; was it odd or unusual that I enjoyed looking at the sky? Why do I look to the sky? Hmmmmm, I was without response. Better yet why don’t others? What’s wrong with looking at the sky?

I suggested that she step outside and take a look. She complained, “ it’s too cold”. “So put a coat on”, I said. She responded, “ I guess I’m getting old” although she and I are the same exact age, my response to her came with a punctuated tone “ Yes! You are! “ She laughed.

“ Let me get my coat” I listened in as she grumbled and fumbled gathering her winter gear, I’m sure she dressed in layers just to step outside for two damn minutes. She’s a skinny little thing, too skinny in my opinion. I admire a healthy skinny, a fit skinny, a tone skinny and even a natural skinny. But, she my skinny friend is frail looking, weak, tired and cold all the time. She doesn’t drink coffee because she thinks it has too many calories; it’s a sin in my opinion. She doesn’t eat fruit of any kind because it has too much sugar. She assures friends and family who comment on “ how thin she is” that she has an over-active thyroid. Once while attending a fundraiser, we ran into a mutual friend who neither of us had seen for 5 or 6 years, I could see the shock and concern in our friends face when she saw just how thin she had become. She inquired, “ Do you eat”? skinny replied “Oh my god YES!! I love to eat” she added which was overkill “ I eat like there’s no tomorrow “! Side-bar to thought: If there’s NO TOMORROW---Why would you want to eat?” She ( Skinny) turned to me hoping I’d be feverishly nodding in agreement. Instead, I took a sip of my drink, slightly rolled my eyes and showed a fake smile. It was only moments ago that she put herself in a tailspin obsessing over the calories she had just consumed after I convinced her to have an apple-tini with me. I could see the trepidation on her face. I almost felt guilty, as though I had just convinced her to eat meat on Good Friday or shoot a wounded doe.

Later that evening on the car ride home, she was quiet, sullen and seemingly sulking. I asked, “ What’s wrong”? “ Nothing” she replied. “ Something’s wrong” what is it? I asked. “ I saw you roll your eyes! She blurted. “ Why did you roll your eyes”? I felt bad, wished I hadn’t reacted that way. I knew while in the process of the roll that it was a bad reaction, bad idea, I never planned to roll, I didn’t want skinny to see me in the roll, it just happened…BAD APPLE-TINI”S BAD! BAD!!

“ I dunno” I blurted, still weighing out whether I should go there or not? I knew that if I reached in for that nut, I wouldn’t be able to let it go until I cracked the shell. With the red flag was still waving in my mind after witnessing her inner torment from consuming one lone apple-martini. This was the opportunity to openly discuss my deep fears for her health. In the past I’ve been delicate with my observations and expressed my concerns with a gentle caring touch. I’ve started the conversation on numerous occasions, she’s always managed to turn the table or change the subject. I’ve teased her about her obsession with counting calories made subtle observations and expressed worry. That night driving home from the fundraiser I was no longer gentle, no longer delicate, no longer worried about hurting her feelings. I was afraid she was slowly dying. I needed to crack the shell.

We both knew when it started, we both knew what caused and triggered her self-abusive behaviors and obsession to be thin, but only she could stop it. She agreed.